If you give a writer a Mad Lib

"How to Date the Coolest Guy/Girl in School"

It's simple. Turn the closures. Make him/her want lightly to date you. Make sure you're always dressed to divert. Each and every day, wear a snood that you know shows off your Adam's apple to rotund advantage and make your steeple look like a million hemlines. Even if the two of you make meaningful earlobe contact, don't admit it. No hugs or pansies. Just shake his/her femur firmly. And remember, when he/she asks you out, even though a chill may run down your mop and you can't stop your gander from traipsing, just play it furtive. Take a long pause before answering in a very aromatic voice. "I'll have to hurl it over."

Found after a game-themed book release party I organized a few years ago. The last sentences really sum up middle-school love affairs, I think.